“Augh! It’s Not My Stuff” – See. Perceive. Act.
A hard question, former procrastinators, is “What if it’s not my stuff?” Your problem is somebody else’s problem. This difficulty is real and we should deal with it wisely while remembering the log in our own eye.
For the coming weeks we’ll focus on problem areas for procrastinators. Let’s bring the first one into the open: My husband’s/roommate’s stuff is a serious clutter problem in our home.
We have the authority to train children; but husbands are our partners. (Apply appropriately to roommates). Love and respect are key in a different way. Clutter creates so much stress that love and respect can suffer. We see clutter we perceive as husband’s problem and we want to act on it ourselves. Uh oh. Prayer and scripture are essential for keeping perspective. The following things can help:
Clean me – Ask the Lord’s forgiveness and guidance for your own clutter problem. Declutter what you’re responsible for – or diligently begin the process. Forgive your husband. Ask the Lord for insight, wisdom, patience.
Concur – Agree with your spouse that you need to maintain your home at a certain level of order so the family functions well. Talk it over and define what that is. What is important to each of you? To others in the home?
Contain – Together, limit the area your spouse has to manage as he pleases. Maybe an office or the garage or half the garage. His stuff stays within those bounds, and you don’t fret over what he does with his space.
Control Creep – It might take daily vigilance to hold back overflow from the contained area. You might be the one to return items to husband’s space. “Reset” nightly by returning things to order.
Consider these:
It’s disrespectful to clean out someone else’s stuff unless they specifically ask.
Third party/online help is more palatable and carries more weight than a spouse’s help.
Sometimes a husband sees the benefits of your decluttering and wants to experience that freedom himself.
You may jointly decide to seek counseling in this area.
Hiring a professional can be worth the money. Set up systems that work for him to avoid relapse. A friend might help, though often people prefer to work with someone they don’t know. Nobody wants a wife on his case no matter how kind, respectful or loving. Sometimes we can take action; sometimes we have to step back and leave someone’s issues between him and God. Living together, valuing different things, it’s a challenge.
Find an approach that works for you both and diligently maintain it. One friend’s husband felt overwhelmed in his office. So, he sat in another room and she brought him one small pile at a time that he could work through. Don’t let a temporary “project table” morph into a permanent stack of boxes. Discouraged? Declutter something of yours; be glad for progress.
This tough area requires asking the Lord how to see, what to perceive, and how to act – all with love and respect. Suggestions?
When will you have a “concur conversation”?
